Snapshots
by kittymills
Summary: A collection of little moments with various members of the Normandy Crew - shenko
1. Chapter 1

**Part 1**

"This is going to hurt, Shepard."

Her face was twisted in a grimace of pain and she panted heavily, biting back a moan. Her eyes flew open and she locked her eyes on him.

"I know, just do it."

Kaidan grabbed her shoulder and jolted it back into position, his movement fast and confident and intent on easing the pain she was feeling. He watched her bite back a scream of agony and he reached out for her as she staggered forward. He caught her with an arm around her waist and pulled her a few steps backwards, guiding them both back against a pile of nearby rubble and gently lowering them to the ground. They were protected in this small area for the moment, and behind them, they could hear Vega hollering as he took down yet another Cannibal and yet another husk. Dust and debris filled the atmosphere, and the air was heavy with smoke and the stench of decay.

Cushioned in his arms, the Commander's head lolled against his chest as she gulped in huge shuddering breaths of air, trying to steady her ragged breathing after the burst of adrenaline and pain that had flooded her system. It only took a few seconds for her to get her breathing under control and for the trembling to stop but she didn't seem like she was in a hurry to move. Kaidan wasn't complaining, not really. He mentally shut out the sounds of the nearby firefight and savoured this rare moment. He couldn't remember the last time they were this physically close. It reminded him of the days of the SR-1, when he had first fallen for her and took any opportunity to get close. Before he had realised she felt the same. It was ironic that three years later, he was doing the same thing again.

Her forehead pressed against the side of his neck and he felt the silky strands of her hair tickling his skin. He caught a whiff of her customary shampoo, a sweet scent in all the decay and blood, and felt a small lurch in his chest at the familiarity of it. Even after all these years, she still loved her vanilla. He looked down at her pale face, unconsciously lifting a gloved hand and smoothing back her dark choppy hair from her cheeks in a comfortable well practiced move that belied their past history. "Are you okay, Shepard?"

With her eyes squeezed shut, she nodded once, a sharp little movement of her head. Her breathing slowed and her luminous eyes opened to bore into his. "I seem to recall you having to do the same thing on Noveria," she said with a crooked smile.

He chuckled at the shared memory and warm flooded him. He pulled her closer.

"Yeah, you should have got Cerberus to take a better look at that for you. Fix that faulty joint."

It was a weak joke, but the first time since he had re-joined the Normandy that he had made mention of her resurrection without the accusations behind it. He hoped she noticed. He felt her warm breath as she huffed into his neck. He liked to imagine she was smiling.

When her fingers curled around a portion of his uniform and gripped hard, it caught him by surprise. She gave a small tug and he was pulled closer to her, his face almost level with hers. For a wild moment, he thought she was going to kiss him and his heart thundered in anticipation but she positioned her cheek next to his. She lifted her mouth to his ear and he could feel her warm breath, an unexpected shiver trailing down his spine as his body unwittingly responded to her closeness.

"I'm so glad to have you back, Kaidan."

Before the words had even registered, she had released him. She turned away and reached for her weapon, pulling herself up and vaulting over the rubble in one smooth athletic movement that never failed to make his breath hitch in his chest. He heard the customary whine of her shields activating and her yell as she rolled into cover behind James.

And instant later, he followed, and fell into position beside her. She flashed him a grin over one shoulder as she lobbed a warp grenade into a huddle of husks and he couldn't help but to respond with an answering smile. Her words played over in his head.

 _I'm so glad to have you back, Kaidan._

When they got back to the Citadel, the first thing he was going to do was take her on a date. It was time to make it real. He would never leave her again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Part 2**

Shepard grasped the edge of her seat tightly and cast an irritated glance at the direction of the cockpit. "Cortez, what the hell are you doing up there?"

"Sorry, Commander, there's a bit of turbulence, but we should clear it soon."

The shuttle rocked again and Shepard stood up, ready to head to the cockpit with the intention of reading the data feeds. Kaidan perched on seat at the rear of the shuttle near the doors and James clung tightly to an overhead railing across from the Major.

She didn't get far when the shuttle rocked again and she was knocked off her feet. She felt the shuttle lurch underneath her and take a sideways dive. She landed with a thud across the Major's lap and she felt him reach around her wait to anchor her. His hot breath tickled her skin.

"Are you okay, Shepard?" he asked her for the second time that day.

Shepard probably should have jumped up immediately, brushed herself off and found herself more secure seating but feeling his arms around her waist, she was reluctant to move. She was so close her senses were hyper aware. And his eyes. Dear god, those deep eyes that were like pools of whiskey. Her mouth became dry as they stared at each other.

For a rare moment, she indulged in having him close, studying his face, breathing in his familiar scent and wallowing in his easy warmth. It wasn't until a movement caught her eye and she turned her face to discover Vega grinning wildly at her. She resisted the urge to thump his smug face. She was the ranking officer here; it wouldn't do to let him see her flustered. She narrowed her eyes at him as she growled under her breath and pulled herself up, sliding into the seat beside Kaidan. Vega dropped his hand from the overhead bar and sauntered into the cockpit.

"Life is short, Commander. Stop wasting time!" he called out over his shoulder.

Shepard's mouth dropped open in surprise, then shut quickly when she heard Kaidan's husky voice in her ear.

"What was that all about?"

She turned her head and found herself face to face with the Kaidan. Sitting so close to him, her eyes were drawn to the light scar on his bottom lip before traveling up to soak in his warm gaze.

"My last LT wasn't nearly so lippy," she said with pointedly. She jerked her head in Vega's direction and grimaced. Kaidan chuckled lightly, glancing over at Vega.

"Maybe you brought it out in us," he replied, his lips curled in a half smile.

His eyes locked with hers and she remembered the night before Ilos when he came to her cabin. His gaze softened and she wondered if he remembered it too. He was so close she could smell his subtle cologne and it sent her senses tingling. She wanted to reach out to him, to show him how much she wanted him, how much she had missed him since that night together, but in this instance, she was frozen.

God, is this what it was like for him back on the days of the SR-1? Wanting to take that leap but paralysed by fear of rejection. What if she kissed him and he pulled away, or worse, put her out of her misery and finally confessed he didn't care for her that way anymore. Even after their talk in the hospital, she still wasn't entirely sure where she stood, and it was easy enough to push those thoughts out of her mind. She was too busy with the war to dwell on her personal life but with Kaidan now back on the Normandy – the man was slipping under her defenses, reminding her every day how much that part of her wanted him, needed him.

Just a little closer and she would be able to touch her lips to his, recapture what they once had. She wanted desperately to touch him, trail her fingers over his rough stumbled cheeks, kiss the salt and pepper strands at his temples, trace the scar on his lip. The longing was a physical ache in her chest, hurting almost as much as biotic slam. But with the threat of the Reaper's hanging over them, now wasn't really the time. She still wasn't sure about his feelings for her. It was obvious he cared, but anything more than that, she wasn't sure. And the wound following Horizon was a hard memory no matter how scabbed over it was. She didn't dare risk a rejection from him, it would crumble whatever small resolve she had left.

All these thoughts flew through her at an incredible speed. In the time it took her to blink.

So she ducked her head, tearing her gaze away from him and stood awkwardly, trying to put some physical distance between them and pushing away all the turmoil of emotion that rattled around inside her. She saw Vega glance back at her over his shoulder and the cheeky leer slipped from his face to be replaced with a frown. She saw him open his mouth and she gave him a short, sharp shake of her head. This was not a subject open for discussion, least of all with her over confident LT.

"Commander, we're ready to dock with the Normandy," Cortez called out.

And just like that, all thoughts of the Major and their past or future was firmly shoved out of her mind and she snapped back into soldier mode.

"Take us home, Cortez."


	3. Chapter 3

Later, once the shuttle had docked and Shepard had disappeared back up to the CIC, Kaidan was putting away his gear, listening to the banter between Vega & Cortez. It was clear that they were the best of friends but still Vega's youthful exuberance and forward manner made him feel a little uncomfortable. He had been surprised by his overfamiliarity with Shepard, and possibly a little jealous if he was honest with himself.

He shoved his combat boots into his locker and shut it with a click, just in time for Vega to slaunter over. Vega whistled and shoved his hands in his pockets.  
"That Lola is a tough chick, eh, Major?"

Kaidan bit his tongue. _That's Commander Shepard to you!_ He wanted to yell but held himself in check. Instead he lifted one shoulder in a half shrug and did his best to feign nonchalance. "That's Shepard for you. You'll get used to it."

Vega paused for a moment, peering at Kaidan speculatively. Alarms bells rang in Kaidan's head and he could almost feel the cogs turning in Vega's mind. He remembered Vega's question when he saw them in the hall back on earth – _you know the Commander?_ He guessed Vega had heard the rumours, he'd probably heard that Shepard and Kaidan had been a little more than just comrades. He'd tried to hold it together after she had died over Alchera, he really had, but there had been cracks, and people had talked. He really didn't want to go there again. He wondered every day if things would have been different if she had stepped out of the rescue pod along with Joker. He might have proposed to her. Then again, she probably would have said no anyway.

He frowned and shook his head. "Don't."

If Vega was taken aback by Kaidan's firm quiet warning, he didn't show it, merely grunting and kicking his own locker shut with the tip of his boot. He waved at Cortez as he left. "Later, Esteban."

Cortez waited until Vega was well out of shot. "Permission to speak freely, Major?"

Kaidan looked up in surprise. He had been getting to know the shuttle pilot over the past few weeks and liked what he saw so far. Cortez was a good man, dedicated and damn good at his job. He had noticed an easy camaraderie between Shepard and her pilot that, if he was honest, didn't surprise him in the least. She was good at that, drawing passionate, loyal people to her. People that would follow her to hell and back. Some that already had. She had a back bone of steel, but her innate compassion and dedication to the cause was what inspired others.

"I lost my husband in the Collector attacks," Cortez said slowly. He seemed to struggle to get the words out. Kaidan felt helpless in the face of Cortez's obvious grief.

"I'm sorry," he replied quietly.

"Thanks, but I've accepted it now. I'd like to say I've moved on. And I have, but I have the Commander to thank for that. She helped me accept it, move on from it. To realise that Robert wouldn't have wanted me to slowly kill myself with grief."

Cortez drew a deep breath. "But if he came back, if he was standing right in front of me right now-" He fought back the tears, his voice shook. "I would grab him, and never let him go. Not even the reapers would keep me from him."

Kaidan's spine turned to ice at Cortez's words. They washed over him and seeped into his consciousness, reminding him of those dark days when he had thought Shepard was dead, when he had mourned her with all that he had.

And yet, here was Cortez standing in front of him who would give anything for a second chance with the man he loved, and there _he_ was, dithering about when the woman he loved had quite literally come back from the dead. She had proven numerous times now that she wasn't some Cerberus lackey. She had proved that she was the same woman he had loved on the SR-1, albeit a little bit harder, a little bit tougher, a little bit more lethal. Everything he loved about her back then, he had witnessed again recently, leaving no doubt in his mind that she was Commander Shepard.

He floundered for a moment, trying to put into words what he knew Cortez was trying to say but Cortez had already slipped away, disappearing back into his usual corner of the cargo bay. Kaidan thought about going after him, but his heart was pulling him in a different direction. He had a second chance, and by god, he didn't want to waste it.


	4. Chapter 4

"So, you and the Major, huh? I hear the two of you have a history."

Shepard froze with her glass halfway to her mouth and stared at Samantha with narrowed eyes. Her relaxed, easy going mood was quickly soured and she slipped straight back into CO mode with the force and speed of a rubber band snapping. Traynor instantly sensed the change and stammered. "I'm sorry, Commander. If I've overstepped the bounds, I can go."

She made to leave, but Shepard let out a heavy sigh and lowered her glass. She gestured at Traynor to sit back down and Traynor complied.

"No, Traynor, it's… it's fine." Shepard lifted one shoulder in a half-hearted shrug. "Chambers was always at me to talk about it, but I didn't trust her because she was a Cerberus creature." She sat back in the chair. "Do you really want to hear my sad, sorry story?" she asked Traynor mockingly, her lips twisted in a self-depreciating smile.

Traynor took a good look at the Commander and thought about the way she had noticed Shepard staring after the Major when she thought no one was looking. She nodded. "Yes, I do. That is, if you don't mind sharing it."

Shepard was quiet for a moment, staring down into the amber liquid held in her glass as she swirled it around. The liquid sparkled gold and blue, picking up glints of light from the glowing chess board in front of her. She thought about the best place to start, and decided to keep things simple. No need to scare off the poor girl with her moaning about her unrequited love. She sucked in a deep breath.

"Kaidan is an incredible man," she said, a sad smile playing on her lips and her eyes downcast. "We didn't have much time together… _together_." She looked up and gestured awkwardly and Traynor dipped her head in understanding, her face flaming at the unbidden mental image of the Major and Shepard entwined together. "But… I loved him. Oh god, did I love him." Shepard let out a bark of hard laughter and took a determined swig of the whiskey, "I still do, goddamnit."

Traynor leaned forward, touched that the Commander had chosen to share this with her. Anyone with half a brain could see there was more than met the eye between the two spectres but they were professional enough not to let their personal feelings cloud their work together but there were still glimpses if you watched them long enough. They gravitated to each other unconsciously, somehow always finding themselves in each other's orbit and from what Traynor had heard, it certainly worked beautifully on the battlefield. The two of them, combined on occasion with Garrus or James, EDI or even Liara made them a force to be reckoned with. More lethal than a whole platoon of soldiers, more powerful than a squad of mercs. But off the battlefield, when they weren't facing down enemies, when their lives weren't hanging in the balance, things were a bit more awkward. Generally they were good at keeping it to themselves but some of the crew had noticed. Especially those that knew them best.

"Commander, I think he still loves you too." Traynor bit her lip, suddenly nervous she had said too much. She shifted a little on the couch, feeling awkward but not wanting the Commander to shut her out.

Shepard's eyes drifted shut and a wry smile graced her lips as she leaned back. "I know he did once, but he mourned me for two years. He moved on." Her eyes snapped open and she leaned forward. She waved her hand as she spoke. "I keep telling myself that that's okay. Two years is a long time. He's a good man, he deserves better than me."

Traynor almost choked at that. "Better than you? Better than the Saviour of the galaxy?"

Shepard gave her a sideways glance, choosing to ignore the whole 'saviour' bit.

"He deserves someone who will be waiting for him, who'll give him babies, a home. Someone stable, like he is. Not someone who criss-crosses the galaxy at a moment's notice. That's more machine than organic. Maybe he should have married that Doctor. It would be easier if I knew he was off limits."

Traynor took a deep breath. Here's where things got dicey. Her relationship with the Commander was still new, and she debated about what she was going to say next. But she liked to think they had become friends, so she steeled herself and looked Shepard right in the eye. "Has it occurred to you, Commander, that he might not want those things. He strikes me as the sort not to be afraid of a strong woman."

"Oh," Shepard breathed, "he's _not_. He most definitely is not."

"So the way I see it, you love him. He loves you." Traynor sat back and crossed her arms. "Seems like a no-brainer to me, Commander."

Shepard swigged more whiskey. "Easy for you to say, Traynor."

Traynor shrugged. "Commander, no one knows what's going to happen with this war, but we've all lost so much already. Don't let this slip through your fingers. Even if there is the slightest chance, you have to try."

Shepard stared moodily into her now empty glass. The combination of the alcohol and facing emotions she usually kept well buried left her uncomfortably unsettled. "I don't know, Traynor. I just don't know."


	5. Chapter 5

Kaidan hovered outside the door to Liara's cabin on the SR2 feeling a strange sense of displacement. Just to the right of him would have been his old station on the SR1, and just beyond those doors was the bed where he'd made love to Shepard for the first time that night before they went to Ilos. He knew this was a different ship, the old SR1 a wreck on some distant snowy planet, but the memories the SR2 stirred up in him were hard to ignore.

He heard Liara's voice as soon as the doors slid open and he was greeted by the drone as it floated serenely in the doorway.

"Please come in, Major Alenko," the drone said cordially. "Dr. Tsoni will be with you in just a moment."

"Er, thank you," he said, feeling a little disconcerted at the drone's excessive politeness. He felt it would be rude to respond in any other way then felt silly for worrying about a drone's feelings.

He cast a glance around Liara's set up as he waited, surprised at the wall of monitors set up that streamed endless mass amounts of data. The cabling that stretched across the floor looked like the tentacles of some creature suffocating the room. It didn't look like anything from the SR1 and he was momentarily relived.

"Major," Liara said as she tapped away at her terminal. "What can I do for you?"

Kaidan took a few more steps into the room and tried to push down the emotion rousing in him. This was going to be a difficult conversation and he wasn't looking forward to it. But he needed to know. If he was going to stay on board the Normandy, he needed to know the truth.

"Why didn't you tell me, Liara?" he asked, cursing the way his voice cracked. He didn't want her to know how affected he was. She straightened but she didn't turn to him, not straight away.

"I take it I don't need to ask what you mean. You're talking about Shepard."  
Something about the way Liara left off the Commander's rank irked him.

 _"Commander_ Shepard," he replied. "Why did you never tell me that she was alive. Or what you did."

He tried to keep the accusatory tone out of his voice, he really did. He wasn't there for a fight. He respected Liara, he liked her. He was there when her mother died and he'd grown right alongside her on their travels on the SR1. He was always aware of her subtle interest in the Commander but it hadn't bothered him, knowing that Shepard was as sweet on him as he was on her. But now things had changed, she had known Shepard was alive when he was languishing in a dark pit of despair, drowning his sorrows and throwing himself into fights he knew he couldn't win. All the pain he suffered at Shepard's death… and Liara had the power to make it all go away.

But she didn't.

He couldn't help but feel resentful at her for that.

"I knew you wouldn't approve."

"Of you taking Shepard's body and turning it over to a terrorist organisation?" He was proud of himself for staying calm. "Yeah. You're right. I wouldn't have."

"And I didn't want to get your hopes up."

That made him pause. "What do you mean?"

"What Cerberus did… it was untried, untested. And Shepard…" Liara shook her head. "The state of her body was… unfortunate."

Kaidan felt his temples starting to throb. Images of Shepard floating alone in space while her air sucked out and the Normandy disintegrated in front of her eyes made him sick. He refused to let himself get sucked into the despair of those memories. Instead he called up the memory of that morning, standing against the starry backdrop of the starboard observatory and seeing the light on her face as she stopped by to see how he was settling in and chat about the previous mission. It immediately calmed him. Shepard was alive. Kaidan didn't know how Cerberus had done it, but it was her. He didn't doubt it anymore.

Liara looked guarded, one hand still resting on the keyboard of her terminal as though she expected him to fly into a rage and attack her. That thought made his heart fall. He wanted to be angry at her but the truth was… _Liara_ had saved Shepard. The commander and himself may not be what they once were to each other, but having her in his life once again healed a small piece of his heart.

"Liara," he said softly as he turned to leave. "Thank you."


	6. Chapter 6

The night rotation on the Normandy was usually quiet, even more so when they were in transit between systems. Shepard should have been taking this time to get some much needed rest but instead she found herself aimlessly wandering the ship in the dim light, giving silent nods to the startled crew that she passed on her wandering.

In the mess, she poured herself a mug of steaming coffee, loading it up with far too many sugars than what was healthy and glanced over at the medbay window. A figure moved on the other side of the glass and Shepard smiled to herself, pouring a second cup then carrying both drinks over to the medbay doors.

"Doctor Chakwas," she said as she stepped through the entry. "Shouldn't you be getting some rest?"

Chakwas glanced up briefly from her seat before turning back to the flickering screen of her console.

"Funny, I was about to say the same thing to you, Commander."

Shepard shrugged as she placed both mugs on the edge of Chakwas's desk.

"Couldn't sleep."

Chakwas spun her chair around slowly. "I could give you something for that, but somehow I don't think it's what would help." She paused and gave Shepard a speculative look. "Would your lack of sleep happen to do with our newest addition to the Normandy's crew by any chance?"

It must have been the lack of sleep that made Shepard's jaw pop open in surprise before she snapped it shut and narrowed her eyes. The Normandy might have been her ship, but in the medbay, it was Chakwas who ruled supreme and her candidness towards Shepard was often both a blessing and a curse. Shepard really shouldn't have been caught off guard at Chakwas's stellar perception. She had known Shepard for years now, Kaidan too. She was so keenly aware of what has happening amongst the crew despite rarely leaving the medbay that Shepard wondered briefly if she had EDI checking up on everyone.

For the briefest of moments, Shepard debated denying anything to do with the major and pretend it was something simple like a headache that was keeping her awake but she knew without a doubt that Chakwas wouldn't buy it for a second. Eventually she scowled in annoyance at herself, realising that she had unwittingly wandered into a trap that would now force her to face things she'd rather not pay attention too.

"That obvious, huh?" she grumbled. She picked up her coffee and took a slip, ignoring the way Chakwas's eyes watched every move intently. "I wonder if I've made a mistake asking him back. As much as he is an incredibly solider and asset to the mission-"

"I know what he means to you, Shepard," Chakwas cut her off and climbed to her feet. Shepard felt oddly like an errant child waiting from a scolding from her mother. It was a strange feeling, and something only Karin herself could get away with. "You forget I was there from the beginning. When he refused to leave your beside for the entire time you were unconscious after that first mission on Eden Prime. It might have been guilt that put him there to start with, but it was something else entirely that kept him there."

"That was a long time ago."

"Not long enough, it would seem."

With an irritated huff, Shepard put the mug down again, this time a little too forcefully and a splash of dark liquid slide over the side. She could feel the pressure in her chest weighing on her, the unchecked emotions that sometimes tried to bust out of their carefully constructed prisons. She was usually so good at pushing it away, ignoring it, compartmentalising so she could take the next step and move forward. Always moving forward. But this… Her feelings for Kaidan wouldn't be moving forward. It was going backwards into a past she couldn't reclaim and wasn't sure if she wanted to. It would mean facing too many demons she wasn't sure she had the strength to defeat. It was simply better to keep running.

"He moved on, Chakwas. Whatever was between us-" Shepard shook her head. Unwittingly, her mind went back to the night before Ilos. She recalled the way they had finally let go and surrendered to the attraction boiling between them. It had grown to so much more by the time the night was over, so much that the intensity of her heart threatened to overwhelm her head. She'd daydreamed of a life beyond the reapers, beyond the Alliance, a life she'd only witness in vids as she grew up lonely on space stations while her parents served. She immediately felt foolish at the things she'd once wanted, a house with a garden bathed in sunshine, someone warm to curl up to on white sheets. They weren't for her. Not anymore. Except that her traitorous heart still yearned for it more than ever.

As she struggled to find the words, Chakwas moved closer and placed a hand on Shepard's shoulder. Shepard could feel the warmth of the touch seep through her uniform and into her bones. The last of the prison walls around her emotions crumbled and she suddenly felt tired, so tired. She sagged slightly and her eyes closed.

"I thought he was dead, Chakwas. When he was lying on the ground on Mars, I thought I'd lost him without ever having to properly tell him about the Omega 4 mission, about being brought back by Cerberus, about-"

"About how you feel about him?"

"Yes," she choked out. It felt surprisingly good to finally let the word fall out. "But he lived. He survived." Shepard shuddered. "And I died. If I felt that way and he lived… I can't imagine how badly he hurt when I died, and having to hide it from the Alliance- I can't ask him to open himself up to that kind of pain again. It wouldn't be fair." She shook her head. "This war… it's going to take everything."

"It was difficult when we lost you," Chakwas responded quietly. "But Commander, does Kaidan strike you as the weak kind?"

She glanced at Chakwas sharply then. "Of course not."

"Then don't you think that's something you need to let him decide for himself?"

Shepard spun away from Chakwas's touch as though the motion could stop the uncomfortable emotions churning inside her. "I can't," she said finally. "He's back on board, only a few metres away through a couple of bulkheads but he may as well be in another galaxy but-" she sighed, resigned. "I have to be okay with that. And I am," she added as an afterthought but even to her own ears, it rang hollow. She tried again. "It's enough that he's here."

"Is it?" Chakwas responded, one fine silver brow rose skeptically. "The responsibility the galaxy has placed on you is immense, Commander. No one is refuting that. But don't deny yourself of a chance of happiness. Not now."

"Is that your professional option, Doctor?" Shepard answered, her tone mocking.

"It is," Chakwas answered firmly, folding her arms over her chest. "Be a little bit selfish, Commander. No one will begrudge you that."

Shepard shook her head. "I can't-" she repeated again, this time softly. "I need to stay focused. And I won't be able to do that with a broken heart."


	7. Chapter 7

VI.

Shepard knew that she could wirelessly transfer the data. She knew that EDI had everything she needed stashed away in her databanks, but as she looked down at the damaged datapad in her hands, she saw an opportunity to put Chakwas's words into action.

She gathered up the datapads and carried them in her arms to the Starboard Observatory where she knew he would be. Where he had been every night since coming back on the Normandy. She was so vividly aware of his presence even through the bulkheads of the ship, as though his atoms were calling to hers. She felt the tug on her heart whenever the quiet came. And it came surprisingly often.

With a deep breath to steel herself, she stepped cautiously inside, noting the dimmed lighting and the quiet music that hummed in the background. Her heart dropped a little when she realised it must be another one of his migraines.

"Kaidan?" she called quietly into the darkened room.

"Over here, Shepard."

She turned and found him seated in the far corner of the room, his hands rubbing his temples. She winced in sympathy. "Your migraines, again?" she asked, moving slowly towards him.

"Yes," he sighed. "I get them a lot more frequently since Mars." He dropped his hands to his lap and peered up at her with bleary eyes. "Did you need me for something?"

Shepard held the datapads in her arms, suddenly feeling awkward and just a little bit foolish. It was obvious he wasn't feeling one hundred precent and her little ploy in an attempt to spend more time with him away from the battle field seemed utterly ridiculous now. "Ah, no. It's nothing important. I won't disturb you."

She turned to leave but his hand reached out and wrapped around her wrist. She paused, looking down at his hand in surprise. His hand was so warm on her skin.

"Stay." There was silence for a heartbeat. "Please."

Her foolish heart raced at the quiet invitation. This was what she had hoped for. Since his return to the Normandy, she had wanted to find a way into his orbit, but with so much expected of her, so much to do, it had been difficult. Sometimes it felt like the only time she saw him was in the shuttle inbound on their way to their next mission, with Garrus or Vega hovering beside them and hard plates of armour between. Not exactly conducive to romance.

 _Maybe that was for the best_ a small voice in her mind warned.

"Ok, sure."

She took a seat beside him on the couch, sitting as close as she dared without practically being in his lap. She was acutely aware of his presence, the heat radiating out from him, his familiar scent of his cologne that never failed to send a river of warmth to her belly. She could have sworn the air crackled in awareness between them. The datapads clacked together nosily in her hands as she sat, reminding her of why she had come.

"Uh oh," he chuckled quietly, noticing them. "You broke the datapads again, didn't you?"

He reached over and took the pads from her hands. His warm calloused hands brushed hers, sending a jolt of electricity through her that she knew had nothing to do with his biotics and everything to do with the feelings she tried so hard to hide around him. It might have been her feverish imagination, but she swore his hands lingered for just a heartbeat more than what was necessary.

She was quiet as she watched him work, somehow breathing life into the damaged pad long enough to transfer the data to the new one. His omni-tool activated, lighting the room in a rich, yellow glow. His eyes turned into molten gold and the light caught the flickers of silver in his hair. For a moment, she simply sat soundlessly beside him and watched him work.

"Remember all those nights, on the original Normandy that I fixed your datapads too?"

She smiled at the memory, insanely thrilled that he remembered and cared to bring it up. Her heart did a little flip in her chest. _Stupid, hopeful, crazy heart._ "Yes, all those late nights in the mess. I used to wonder if you ever slept."

He chuckled quietly, his eyes on his omni-tool and a datapad. The other datapad rested on his lap. "Kept me busy. I couldn't sleep much back then."

She cocked her head. "Why not?"

He shrugged lightly, one broad shoulder lifting then sliding back down. It made the material of his uniform stretch across his chest.

"Distracted by thoughts of Saren. The Thorian." He cast a sideways glance at her before refocusing on his task. "And inappropriate thoughts about my commanding officer."

Shepard froze, wondering if she had heard him correctly. She stole a peek at his face, but his brows were knitted in a half frown, concentrating hard on his undertaking. He had said it so casually, she was sure she must have imagined it. She swallowed unsteadily as her heart began to race and beat inside her chest. It felt as though it was clamouring against her rib cage, demanding to be noticed, demanding to take control.

"Perhaps," she said slowly, her voice sounding slightly strangled in her own ears. "I broke them accidently on purpose."

He chuckled at that but he didn't look up. She studied the dark curls on his head, imagining she could count the silver strands. They were new, she thought to herself. He didn't have those when they were on the SR-1.

She breathed in, soaking up the familiar fragrance of him, glad that it hadn't changed. It flung her backwards in memory, back to the days before the ship came apart, days that were still fresh in her recollection, still vibrant and precious.

Her hand twitched and the slight tremble belied how intensely she was feeling the moment. She felt as though she was on the cusp and all she needed was one little push and she would be falling. Falling straight back into love with him. She wasn't sure if she was ready for that.

"That would be a shameful waste of Alliance resources, Commander," his husky voice drawled. "A serious breach of protocol."

His head tilted and he fiddled with a piece on the underside of the datapad and huffed in satisfaction as data began scrolling across the screen. She could see a smile play at the corners of his mouth and she was emboldened.

"It was worth it… To be able to talk to you. Like tonight," she teased him back softly.

"Except," he said slowly, finally looking up and locking his gaze with hers. The datapad sat forgotten in his lap as she burned under his warm amber stare. "Now you have EDI."

"Yes, but tonight I wanted you."

As soon as the words slipped out she wanted to claw them back. It felt like too much, too soon, too much pressure heaped upon him, enough to make him run. There were still too many wounds on him, too many she had caused by her death, by not staying alive, damnit. She couldn't ask him to go through that again.

Apprehension flickered in his eyes and she glanced away. "Kaidan, I-"

"Shepard," he cut her off with her name on his breath, tortured and raw. He leaned in until their foreheads brushed. He was so close she only had to tilt her head slightly and their lips would meet and she yearned for it with an ache that was stronger than her fear of the reapers. Her breath hitched and hands groped for his. A datapad clattered to the floor but it was ignored as she entwined her fingers with his. Her heart clamoured louder, unsatisfied with the contact, demanding more, demanding everything he had to give and she listened. One little movement and his lips would be on hers and she would go to her grave happy to know he still cared.

She had never missed him more than when he was a few steps away. Not even after Horizon had she missed him this much. So close but so far. At least he didn't consider her a traitor anymore. But she had _missed_ him. She missed their long talks, learning about his past, having him to bounce ideas off, she missed his hands on her body, the taste of his lips. She missed having someone to lean on. She had been alone for so long.

It took everything in her power not to throw herself at him right then, to give into the clamouring of her heart, to not to grasp him by the back of the neck and press her lips to his, to pull the clothes from his body and to love him and reclaim him like she so desperately wanted to.

But whether he felt the same or if it was just the spluttering ashes of an old spark, an old memory, she couldn't be sure. There was so much riding on her, so much she needed to do, the needs of the galaxy transcended her own, no matter what Chakwas said.

It was that stubborn little spark of doubt that made her pause a heartbeat too long and her omni-tool blipped harshly in warning, signalling an incoming message and bringing her back to the present with an ugly thump and all the grace of a bucket of iced water doused on her head.

She pulled back, attempting to automatically untangle her fingers from his and irrationally pleased when she tugged and he didn't let go straight away. She glanced over at him and his eyes were dark with something that looked like a promise. Her mouth went dry.

"Just like old times, huh, Shepard?"

She couldn't tear her eyes away from him, sensing there was an importance to this moment, a moment that echoed another so long ago. There had been a promise then too, a promise that whatever this was, it wasn't over yet and her heart thundered her hope in her ears. Maybe not tonight, but soon. She felt it. It made her light.

Her omni-tool pinged insistently again and she struggled to hide the smile as she climbed to her feet.

"I should go," she said softly. It was hard to keep the longing out of her voice and traces of it leaked through. She wondered if he heard it and saw by the softness in his gaze that he had.

"I'll talk to you later, Shepard."

With a final nod, she slipped back into the hallway without looking back. If she had, she would have seen the thoughtful look on his face as he watched her leave.


End file.
